Brothers!

SO tonight as I came up the stairs I noticed the boys' light on and as I crept up to the door to "catch them" not sleeping, I saw a site that I don't often see. Zach was patiently teaching Jared to read a book. It was so precious, it made my heart melt. Most of the time Zach is annoyed or embarassed by his little brother so it was truly a sweet sight to see.

Jared worships his big brother and wants to be just like him. I am glad that he has a big brother to idolize. I hope that their bond stays strong as they get older and that they can become better friends.

overheard at the dinner table

"Dad I know something you did that was wrong when you were little."

"What?"

"You erased Uncle Kory's game and he busted you up!"

"Why did Uncle Kory bust you up?"

"I accidentally erased his game."

"But it was an accident!"

"Yep, but he was pretty mad."

Kerry says that of all of Kory's "stories" this is the one that he remembers! I love the fact that my kids are around their uncles enough to hear stories about their dad when he was little. Anyways, the game erasing story is pretty priceless so I'm gonna have Kerry write it so that we have it forever:

Zelda was the first game that could save your progress. it had 8 levels i think and Kory was working night and day on his Zelda game. now remember i was about 8 years old and kory was 13 i think. so as little brothers do i watched him for hours if i was lucky enough to be allowed to stay in the room and watch. The only condition was that i had to not say a word!!! And i was pretty good at that. at this time he had just gotten to level 8. well one day i decided i wanted to play Zelda myself. little did i know that Zelda only allowed for one saved game on the cartridge. so as i began to play my own guy then saved it at the end i realized that Kory's game was gone. i knew i was in deep trouble. well lets say i got a little bit of a beating from him for that one. well at this point i was in the fear of my life. i managed to escape at one point so i locked myself in my moms room and called my dad at work. little did i know that was a big mistake. so not only did i get a beating from kory but my dad did come home and i got it again from my dad, but kory did too so i felt at least a little safer.

Aren't brothers fun?!

So Kerry told me yesterday that Zach couldn't go to soccer practice with Hannah because he was wearing his school shoes with no socks.

"That's Ghetto!" he says. SO then I said, "that is not ghetto you're ghetto." (I know I am so mature)

SO later while I am making dinner we have this conversation

Zach: "Mom, what does ghetto mean?"
Mom: "What? where did you hear that?"
Zach: "you told dad he was ghetto."
Mom: "oh yeah well ask your dad what it means when he gets home."
Zach: "Mom, you really shouldn't say words if you don't know what they mean!"

I was trying so hard not to laugh. We have told him that in the past when he has used some off color words that he heard at school, so I guess my own advice was coming back to haunt me. Anyways, I thought it was funny...AND good to know that some of what I tell my children does in fact stay with them

1. Hannah: "It says 5 and up, I am 5." Jared: "who's up?"
2. Zach: (to himself while cleaning the bathroom) "wait a minute- I need scrubbing bubbles. They do the work so I don't have to."
3. Jared: "Mom how do you spell Tyrannosaurus?" Mom: "Sound it out, what does it sound like?" Jared: "It sounds like this: ROAR!"
4. Zach: "Mom, did Padme (from star wars) have a heart attack?" (before I can answer) "See, she did because Annakin broke her heart and she died."

Becca's Blessing

We were able to bless our little Rebecca Claire a few weeks ago. It was so heartwarming that all of Kerry's brothers and all of mine (that have to priesthood so far) and both of our dad's were able to stand in the circle. And we even had our dear friends from Las Vegas come down. So, yeah, the circle was pretty big. But I was so touched that all these righteous men were there holding my child, and I got to think about how each of them will be there for her if she ever needs them. She is one lucky little girl- who is very loved. here are some pics

O what did we do in the summertime?

So I will try to fit an entire summer into one post, mostly because I don't want to make individual ones. We had a nice relaxing summer this year. and here is the review in pictures:
Jared turned 4

and got his long awaited spiderman bike

We went to Oatman (twice)and fed the donkeys


Jared found another "donkey" to feed

got root beer floats (and other goodies) at Sonic- a lot!

Zach got to ride an airplane all by himself for the first time all the way to Florida to catch up with his Grandparents. I was a wreck!!! But he was a pro and had such a good time.

Hannah and Jared got to go to Phoenix and spend time with Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. Hannah turned 6 (I know it says 5 but she's 6 I promise).

Jared and Zach went fishing with Dad and Granddad (which could be a post all by itself but since I am condensing let me just say they didn't actually get on the river until after dark and then the other fishermen really did not appreciate the noise level that accompanied them).

Kerry turned 30

he's still waiting for his party because the best thing that happened this summer happened 2 days before his b-day: Rebecca Claire Burgess joined our family

back to school

School started at the beginning of the month, but as usual I am behind in blogging. Zach is in 2nd grade this year and was excited to find that he got the teacher he wanted. Hannah is in 1st grade and we already knew that she got the world's most fabulous teacher- Mrs. Morrison and drumroll please....Jared started preschool! I can't decide who was more excited him or Mom. He still asks me if he can stay longer everytime I pick him up. Here are some pics of the first day.





So hopefully now that life is slowly getting back to normal I can get back to blogging regularly...maybe.

Boys will be boys!

Or at least that's what they tell me. SO the Burgess clan got together for Father's Day! After some convincing, all the Burgess brothers got in the pool with their kids. My nephews are getting older and apparently they felt they had something to prove, because what started as this:


Ended in this


Luckily the younger boys had enough sense to steer clear of the madness,

and I'm not tsure the girls had any idea what was going on, they were having too much fun with the best cousin ever, Ashley.



So while I don't understand WHY the "whose tougher" contest happened, it seemed to be some great bonding experience for them all, which just goes to show that I will never fully understand boys. The best part was that my nephews just kept right on coming, no matter how hopeless it seemed and there were a couple of times when it looked like they might be gaining the upper hand (of course that could be because they were up against a bunch of out of shape old guys). It was oddly heartwarming to see my hubby with all his brothers showing the younglings what's up.

Still I'm glad I'm a girl.

Going Private

So after watching a show the other night where a dad took a picture of his little kid in the tub and then put it on his webpage, and the picture ended up on a child porno site, well let's just say that I have been thinking about making my blog private for awhile and that just put me over the edge. There are some serious sickos out there and I don't want any of them looking at my kids. I want to be able to put pics of my kids on my blog without worrying about who is looking at them, so as of now this is a private blog.

Which you already know if you are reading this. I will try to email those that I know read my blog and invite them.

My little money makers

So a couple of Sunday's ago Hannah wanted to play with hair and decided to make a hair booth. Zach decided to help her, and I decided to take a nap and left them planning. Not too much longer, I woke up expecting to visit their salon downstairs, but as I walked down the stairs I heard voices from outside the front door! I quickly ran outside (after "discussing" with their father what happens when mom takes a nap) and found them with their booth set up talking to our friends from down the street. I'm still hoping that the Morrison's were already out walking their dog and my kids did not go soliciting but I'll never know, because I will never ask...but I digress. So they had set up this booth


and created these amazing hairdos



And the best part (for the kids) is that our sweet neighbors actually paid them for their work, and so did Granny.

Dad got his do for free- Dad discount I think they called it.


I am hoping that this booth phase wears off soon. But their dad really encourages it, he thinks that it shows ingenuity and business sense, so we'll see...but if you need a cool hair-do, or an autographed Ben 10 alien, or an omnitrix, come on over- and I am sure by the end of the summer there will be a couple of new booths to choose from.

O what do you do in the summertime?

So, we have been looking forward to summer vacation and it is finally here. The kids get 6 whole weeks off of school and we want to have tons of fun. We kicked off the summer by having the kids wear these cute shirts on the last day of school.



I found the idea from tipjunkie here and then changed it a little. The front says: Good-bye KINDERGARTEN (or 1st grade in Zach's place) and the back says: Look out 1st grade (or 2nd in Zach's case) Here I come!

This week I am trying to plan the rest of the summer while the kids are in soccer camp. We'll see how ambitious I get...

TFTSMT er F

So I am a little behind on my thankful for the small things posts. So I will try to squeeze a couple in. Last week I fully intended to post about a small thing that makes me very happy- but i forgot. Before I start let me preface this by saying Summer television programming leaves a lot to be desired: you either get re-runs or stupid reality shows. Now that should be a cue to just turn the TV off and do something productive, but well, that's just not how I roll. Last summer, while channel surfing, trying to find something to watch we came across a gem of a show and I am beyond excited that it is back this summer! So last weeks thankful for the small things is: I am thankful for WIPEOUT. If you have not seen this show, you are missing out. It is on ABC wednesdays at 7pm. I don't know why people falling is so stinkin funny, but I seriously laugh my butt off each week. Which surprises me, because I am not usually one for slapstick comedy. I get annoyed at things like Mr. Bean, the 3 stooges, and even Looney Toons, BUT something about watching people who actually think that they can do these obstacles, and then watching them take ginormous spills, is HILARIOUS!

My favorite obstacle is the sweeper shown below:

the arm goes around in circles and people have to jump over it- mostly it knocks them into the water...ahhh good times!
And the commentators are fabulous- so funny. They really make the show. (kinda makes me miss Mystery Science Theater 3000). My favorite is the wrecking ball character. Watch it- you will thank me, or else you will think that I am nuts.
Also, I think it should be mentioned that the best part about watching wipeout is watching it with Kerry. My husband's laugh has always made me smile- and he laughs a lot at this show which makes me laugh. (Just as a sidenote, Kerry is also the one laughing in the theater when no one else is, and he laughs at his own jokes, which makes me laugh, which is probably why he thinks he is so funny). And now Zach has started watching with us and he is worse than his dad, so there is a lot of laughing going on at our house- and that makes me happy. SO thank you wipeout people. You have made Wednesdays at 7pm something to look forward to at the Burgess house.

Oh and the other small thing that I am thankful for is DVR- because So You Think You Can Dance is on at the same time and I heart that show.

Pee-pee in the drive-thru

More from the chronicles of a 3 year old. We were waiting in the drive-thru of the bank today when Mr. Man announces that he has to pee. It's not like we could just leave, we were kind of stuck. I told him to try to hold it, we would be done in a minute. But then a couple of minutes later (that bank is the slowest bank ever by the way, we are always in the drivethru for at least 15 minutes) I looked back and noticed he was really doing the pee-pee dance. "Mom I really have to pee-pee now!" he says.
So, I am trying to figure out what to do when I spot a cup on the floor (yeah my car is pretty messy most of the time). Well, I have seen my mom have her boys use a cup in the car countless times and it seems pretty easy. Plus, we were parked so I didn't think that it would be an issue. I had him get into position and I held the cup. It seemed to be going well- until unfortunately too late I realized that the cup was too small and the pee was still flowing. Well I kinda panicked! I told my 3 year old to stop peeing. Yeah right! I don't think that he is even able to control it once it starts. SO he panicked and there was a little sprayage (is that a word?) and then it stopped. I was mortified, I used every napkin I could find to clean the mess, thinking the whole time, "Don't throw up, don't throw up." Jared was just relieved I think cuz he just pulled up his pants and got back in his carseat. Well, after using all the napkins I hear the bank lady say, "Thank you, have a nice day." I wonder how much of that super fun situation she witnessed? We rushed home and I have been scrubbing the back seat of the car- I wish I had one of those cool little green machines, and a maid for that matter, and maybe even a nanny while I am wishing.
But there is a light at the end of my tunnel: THIS is coming today.


Our old fridge has had it and now I am getting this fabulous piece of machinary. And I am beyond excited. yeah, it is pretty much the little things that get me excited.

Rock Obabma and monsters in BHC

So, my hubby says that anyone who reads my blog will think that Jared is my favorite child- but really he is just the one that I am with all day long so I have more stories. Anyways, I wanted to write this post just so I can remember in the future how observant he is.

We were running errands- going to "All the banks" as he says- and I was listening to good ole Rush Limbaugh. He was playing in the back seat and I didn't realize that he was listening until he said,

"Mom, who's Rock Obabma?"

I told him the Barrack Obama is the president of our country.

"The president of Bullhead City?" he asks.

"no, the president of America."

"No, America's not a country America is an area," he says completely assured of himself, "AND Rock Obabma is the president of our church not our country."

After a good laugh I spent a good portion of the drive trying to convince him the Barack Obama is not- nor ever could be- the president of our church. I don't know where he gets some of this stuff. If you ask him who the prophet is he will tell you Thomas S Monson, but I guess I have never spent the time to explain that he is also the president. Anyways, I got a good chuckle- and realized that he pays attention to whatever I am doing, even if I don't think he is.

And a little later in our endless morning of errands he proved to still be listening to the radio when the local news came on and reported a story about some locals being bit by a gila monster. Out of nowhere from the backseat I hear after a big gasp,

"Mom, did you hear that?."

"Hear what sweetie?" I ask.

"That girl said there are monsters in Bullhead City! We live in Bullhead City!"

He was honestly a little worried that the monsters in Bullhead City were going to come after him! After I told him that gila monsters are just big lizards he calmed down a little, but then asked,

"Where do the big lizards live?"

Without thinking I answered, "In the desert."

"But Mom," he shrieks, "Bullhead City is in the desert!"

so my brothers may be the only ones who appreciate this- but I still had to share. Weird Al Yankovic was part of my childhood. If you have not had the privelege or have no idea who he is go check out his website here He sings parodies of popular songs. Yes, not all of what he does is completely appropriate, but we sang his songs all the time growing up, we thought he was hilarious. Being the super cool person that I am, I have since shared his music with my rugrats. They LOVE him. Some favorites include "Jedi Knight" (parady of "America Pie"), "Ode to a Superhero" (parody of "Piano Man"), and Zach's latest fav: "Jurassic Park" (parody of "Macarthur Park"). So without further ado, here is Zach's version. To fully appreciate it I would suggest pausing my music at the bottom and also checking out the original video (which Zach has never seen due to the violence- even claymation violence is too much in my book). I admit that I am a total geek- but I love Weird Al, and especially watching my little bro, Garrett's redndition of "Amish Paradise" (parody of Gangsters paradise).

TFTSTT- my jabberbox

SO I almost forgot to post today. How typically Amberific would it be for me to not even make it to my second installment of Thankful for the Small Things Thursday? But I made it and today the small thing that I am thankful for is my conversations with Jared (and all my kids for that matter). Jared and I went to Havasu today to check out their summer movie program- still not sure if it is really worth the drive by the way but it was still fun. My little boy loves to talk. He literally talked to me the entire way home. He loves to tell stories (for example: ask him how he got the scar on his forehead and he will go into a detailed report of how the rhino at the zoo bit him! No, a rhino did not bite him, but his story makes you think it could have happened) and basically be in the middle of every conversation. Even when Kerry and I are talking about something he wants to contribute. At times, it can be a little tiring- but I love the fact that he wants to talk to me. Who knows how long that will last?! Before I know it He could be a surly teenager that wants nothing to do with me. Hopefully, that won't happen and to help combat that, I try to make myself available to talk to now while my kids want to talk to me. I love that Hannah and Zach get in the car after school and have tons to tell me about their days. I hope that it stays that way- so I have to remember to look for the moments, the times when we can talk, to lay the groundwork for later when talking to me might not come so naturally. BUT I am thankful that they want to talk now- and I will happily hear about scary rhinos, and spongebob jokes, and who did what on the playground- bring it on! This mom is all ears!

TFTSTT

So, i didn't realize that my last post was my 100 post! Pretty cool, also pretty indicative of how crazy my life has been lately. I was originally planning something cool for my 100 post- like 100 things you might not know about me, or 100 favorite movie quotes, or 100 places I want to see before I die. But oh well- i missed it!

That is actually not why I got on to blog today. I have been thinking a lot about my life lately and how blessed I am. I sometimes need to remind myself of all my blessings. Soooo my idea was to blog weekly about it. I even thought of a catchy name "Thankful Thursdays" but as I read other blogs I realized someone else (actually a lot of other somebodies) had already thought of that. So I thought some more and the things that I want to remember I am thankful for are mostly the small things that I take for granted. So I have come up with a somewhat longer title: "Thankful for the small things Thursdays" or "TFTSTT" hee hee catchy, isnt it? If someone else already has that- I am sorry I am totally not trying to rip anyone off.
So each Thursday (cross my fingers) I am going to post about a small thing in my life that I am thankful for. I will post a picture and tell why I am thankful for that particular thing. Join me if you want to. I think that it will be good for me to see all the good in my life.

Here is today's TFTSTT:
Lunch with Granny:

We are lucky enough to live in the same town as both sets of grandparents. Same street as my parents actually- and I am so thankful for the realtionships that my kids are able to make with their grandparents. This past year with the older kids in school, Jared has been the only one home and has been my buddy and companion. He actually likes running errands with me (most of the time)- and as a plus sometimes we get to go out to lunch. It is extra fun when Granny calls and asks us to lunch. Most of the time Jared wants to go to "Chill-weees" (that's chili's for those of you that don't speak 3-year-old). For whatever reason we went to Perkins this day and Jared and Granny decided to splurge and get pie. it was so cute to watch Jared experience his first piece of chocolate pie. He loved it!
Anyways, I am thankful for lunches with Granny. And I am pretty sure jared is too!

Heavenly Father's house

So we have been working on reverence in sacrament meeting. And Jared is having a little bit of trouble with the whole concept, but he is getting better. It has been a few weeks since he's had to be taken out in the hall.
Anyways, so we have been telling him that when we are in the church we are in Heavenly Father's house and we need to be reverent. I just wanted to share a couple of things that he has said and invite you into the innocent mind of a 3 year old.

A couple of weeks ago he was sitting on my lap as they passed the sacrament and whispered in my ear,
"Mom, this is Heavenly Father's house, so we have to be quiet." then after thinking a couple of seconds he says, "Mom, is this Heavenly Father's house?" I said, "yes it is." Then in all seriousness he asks, "Where are his stairs?"

Then last week again during sacrament he says, "Mom, Jesus sleeps in primary." I was a little confused and then I understood: If this is Heavenly Father's house, then obviously His Son, Jesus, would live here too, and you have to have a place to sleep in your house so his logic is that Primary is Jesus's room and therefore where He sleeps.
I happen to think that my son is wise beyond his years. For I truly believe that Primary is where Jesus would choose to be if he indeed did live at church. I am so thankful to have the children that I have and to be able to watch as their sweet testimonies grow.

so it has been quite a while since i have blogged. Life has been busy- and I seem to be in a perpetual bad mood! I have not been my cheerful self and my family and friends have suffered because of it. Sorry all! I talked to my doctor about it, and she says that it is almost definitely pregnancy related. My hormones are so much more out of whack with this one. But I have decided to look on the bright side- and try to focus on all the good things in my life.

Women's conference was such a good pick-me-up. I learned so much about becoming a better wife and mother, and about looking to my Savior for strength and learning to rely on Him. I had a great time with my mom and sisters- my camera's battery was dead, though so I don't have any pictures. It really inspired me to make my home and house of order and a sanctuary for my family. It is going to be a huge undertaking as right now we are pretty much just getting by- but I am starting to accept that the tone of the home is set by the mother, and that it is up to me- not anyone else- to make our home a place the spirit can reside.

I am so lucky to have the family and friends that I do. Life is good!

ooooo Wait a minute Mr. Postman...

So life has been pretty crazy the last couple of weeks, both my brother and dad have been in the hospital. And, thankfully, both are now home and recovering. SO needless to say, blogging has not been top priority and I am once again falling behind...but c'est la vie!
So a few weeks ago, the boys were helping Kerry clean out the garage and started playing with some empty boxes. This is what I found when I came outside.

So what was inside? Take a look.


And this is what he wrote on the box:

In case you can't read it, it says to Phoenix Katie Nelson (that's his aunt Katie by the way). HE cracks me up so much! He was so disappointed when I told him it probably wouldn't work that way. The best part was as we were discussing the hows and whys of the postal system, a UPS truck pulled up to our neighbors' house. You should have seen that boy run to get in the box. The driver told him he couldn't take him because he wasn't taped up!
And, well, there is someone who wants to be just like his big brother:


I love that you can see his fingers and toes! And he was thinking ahead...did you see he brought some toys for the trip?

help!

so guess who thought she would be clever and rearrange the links to blogs she reads? yeah except i deleted everyone before i wrote down their blog addresses. so- if you read this and you know that i read your blog will you please leave me the address to your blog in the comments or email it to me. please!!!!!

scary stories?

SO when Kerry put the kids to bed tonight, he told them scripture stories. He told Hannah about Ammon, and told Jared about the Stripling Warriors. He came downstairs happy, and the kids fell asleep relatively fast. About an hour later, I hear someone crying, and Jared walks downstairs sobbing! I scooped him up and asked him what was wrong. "Daddy told me a scary story, and I had a bad dream." Who knew the Stripling Warriors were scary?!
Apparently, what Jared got from the story is that the bad guys hurt the little boys. SO Kerry put him on his lap and tried again. He talked about how the boys weren't little like him, they were big like uncle Jordan. And only some of them got hurt, and none of them died, they won the fight and beat the bad guys. HE said, "it's good when the good guys win the fight, right?" (or something like that) and Jared turns to him in all seriousness and says, "Yeah, If you win the fight you get the girl!" yep he's got his priorities straight!
I told Kerry maybe we should stick to the non-war chapters of the book of mormon for bedtime stories for a while.

robots

So for a school project zach had to build a robot out of things we had around the house. the rule was that u couldn't buy anything (after seeing some of the robots other kids made I am pretty sure some parents cheated on that one, but I digress) anyways, so Zach started collecting things he wanted to use: a cereal box, foil, etc. He drew up a plan- I so wish that I had my scanner hooked up cuz it was so precious- which told all the materials he would need and where he wanted to put them all. He had to make a coulple of substitutions, but he was very happy with the results. Kerry and Zach worked hard putting Zac-bot together,(and Jared supervised)

but when they were done they thought something was missing, so Kerry came up with the idea to add some teeth- removable teeth! He used a partial he had hanging around the office. I personally think it is disgusting, but he assures me that it had never actually been used in someone's mouth. So we'll go with that. Needless to say, Zach thought it was awesome!!!
so meet Zac-bot:

the frog is actually his heart, I'm not sure how that works, but like i said it was all Zach's design.

behind again

Once again I am hopelessly behind in blogging. A lot had been going on in our lives, lately, and I have not had my camera as handy as usual- go figure. And since I blog based on the pictures I have, I probably won't be blogging about it all. And since I haven't blogged in a while I will have older things to post about. So here we go with yet another marathon blogging session: or at least I plan to. I do actually have to take the kids to school and run a million errands, so it might be put off once again- sigh.

okay maybe don't eat your veggies!

So, after a few days of patting myself on the back for my brilliant veggie strategy, I'm thinking I might need to rethink it. A couple of days ago I tried green beans, which FYI are one of my fav veggies and one that I thought was pretty kid friendly. Well, I forgot that i am raising the drama queen of the world! The boys did fine- Jared made the cutest grossed out face each time he ate one- but they did fine. In fact, Zach figured out the system and after enjoying a small bowl of cookies and cream ice cream asked, "Mom, if I eat more green beans can I have more ice cream?" Well I had to think about that for a minute, but decided okay that would be fine. He ate 2 more helpings of green beans and had 2 more bowls of ice cream! Hannah on the other hand, gagged on each green bean. Seriously gagged- it channeled the days when mom would make me try a snowpea! yuck. SO as I am having my snowpea flashback I realize this is going to be bad. I tell my sweet girl, "Hannah you don't have to eat those." I want to say that she can just have the ice cream, but how would that be fair? I mean, the boys ate theirs and I didn't give her that many...oh being a mom is soooo hard sometimes. But Hannah is determined she is going to get that ice cream. She eats all but one and then says she has to go potty. She comes out of the potty saying her tummy hurts and she better lay down for a little bit. She then declares that she must be allergic to green beans so she can never eat them again. But as I am making her bowl of ice cream Zach chimes in, "But she still has a green bean on her plate! She can't have ice cream yet." oh brothers!!! So she drags herself off the couch and over to the table whining, "but mom I am allergic to green beans...i can't eat even one more!" Then her knight in shining armor comes to the rescue (as usual, man that girl knows how to work him) "Hannah," dad says, "How about I eat half and you eat half, then you can have ice cream?" Well half to him was the entire thing except for this teeny-tiny piece. But oh well she ate it, and was soo happy when she got her ice cream.
Then came the part that I remembered so well as a young girl. She decided she could eat more green beans in order to have more ice cream. I'm not sure why I even let her try, I think there is this morbid part of me that wanted to see if she could keep them down. Anyways, I'm sure you can guess what happened. Mid-bean she starts to gagg again, but this time it all came up- the ice cream, the green beans, all of it. And my poor sweet baby started crying because she thought I was going to make her eat more, because the ones she threw up didn't count! So, our veggie policy is out the window. But I still want them to try veggies so any ideas? And once again that Mother of the Year award slips further from my grasp...Seriously, I am like Susan Lucci and the daytime emmys (oh wait she did eventually win, didn't she? maybe there is still hope for me then)